So here goes...

I used to keep a diary, religously, which i was very proud of for around 5 years. I still have all 6 books upstairs in my memory box at home. It's great fun to read the entries back and laugh hysterically at the people i used to think were "sooo hot" and the things i used to do with old best friends who I don't see anymore. Writing a diary became a habit..but as the years passed I started to write less and less...mostly when I had so many good things going on there wasn't time to stop and note them down. But in the end I found myself only writing when something had happened that completely overwhelmed me, something that produced too many thoughts to say aloud and contemplate, something that can only be made less head splitting by writing...and more writing...

Tonight is one of those times..I would have written it in a "normal" diary, but as I was sitting with the laptop and had been shown this blog site by, well not a friend, an aquaintance anyway, I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm actually finding it quite theraputic already lol. The more I ramble on about other things the more I dont feel the need to write about what I came on to write about..but I shall give it a go..

Me and this guy came to the end of our..I don't even know what I should call it..our thing? tonight. We met back in september and had a good drunken fun night out..that's how it all started. From then on we were texting eachother everyday..and talking on msn all the time. I love the start of all new "things" when you are just getting to know the person, having a laugh, flirting..its all harmless..there is no pressure, no assumptions, no rules. I regret to say this is the part I do best in. Although, I'm sure I'm not the only one...
This guy and I, we had what I love with anyone..the mocking banter that keeps you on your toes at all times, and it was this that made us click more and more. Things progressed as we met up more and more as they do, and it started to feel like we were a couple. But I felt deep down that I couldn't let us become officially boyfriend and girlfriend because I didn't trust him. I wanted to. In theory I had no real reason not to. Even now I have no idea if he was genuine which is what upsets me most.
Anyway, tonight he told me that he doesnt feel ready for any sort of relationship other than friendship, and that it's not fair on me for us to keep seeing eachother. Ok, this all sounds very noble and honest..and yeah it may well be how he feels, but I dont buy it. For whatever reason...If this is the truth then I wish him good luck and I hope with all my heart that he figures himself out and can let someone in. We're going to stay friends, could be difficult considering we wern't even that before all this started? but I hope its possible..
I just really hope that he is being honest and he was not just too much of a coward to tell me that he doesnt want me anymore. If i find out this is the case then we won't even be friends. And that's the part that makes me sad the most - the thought of having nothing more to do with someone I get on so well with.

I hope the little niggling voice in the back of my head gets proved wrong..!